Bad Evening

So today I stayed home from work, just so I could rest up a little bit more before going to work. I felt better but I wasn’t 100% yet. I finished my paper for class and answered some emails for work. Not a bad morning and afternoon. We went over our close friend’s house and did the usually. I played with their four year old son and two year old daughter, it was nice, hadn’t seen them since Thursday. That is a long time for not seeing them. Anyways, we ate dinner and were watching footbal when the wife hands me some pictures of the kids. I look at the picture and BAM, Big Brother and Big Sister shirts on the kids. It was one of those moments that I just didn’t know how to handle. On the inside, I wanted to cry. But then, I was so happy for my friend. And she stated that she felt bad because of everytihng we had been through. And I know she does, she has cried with me and had truly been awesome through the whole process. I had seen her last week and I thought she was pregnant but you never ask a woman that so I didn’t say anything.  I am truly happy for them. They are great people and are great parents. I am glad she got that third child she had been wanting.

But then, there is that void. That void that I am missing and everyone around me are having no problem with. Though my desire is not to adopt, I think I need to be at a better place; mentally, spirtually, financially. It is so hard when everyone around you is pregnant. My neighbor just had a baby, the girl I went on the fertility website is pregnant, a childhood friend is pregnant and now my friend here. I really try not to question God but it is so hard. On our ride home, I tried to act as if nothing is wrong but its so hard. I turned my head every time a tear would fall so my husband wouldn’t see it. He knew about their pregnancy on Saturday. I asked why he didn’t tell me. I know he probably didn’t want to hurt me, not that he would have been hurting me but the information might have. Its such a hard situation because you are SOOO happy for your friends. I have to just pray and pray some more for healing in this area. Well, I have written enough. Time to watch tv and go to bed. Start another day tomorrow. I have to remember that life could really be so much worse.  Tootles!

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